A couple of weeks ago I went out to the barn to see Rusty.  Rusty was our old Great Pyrenees livestock guard dog who has been with us for over ten years. He was one of the most incredible dogs I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.

But that day Rusty didn’t know me. because he was dying.

I was filled with regret. I wished I had been there one more time with him. Why couldn’t I have just one more time to love on him, when he knew me? Why does death cheat us of our loved ones? – take them from us before we are ready? I wanted to know, anger burning, tears not stinging yet.

I took the kids out to see him. They looked at him and didn’t understand why he didn’t raise his head in greeting, why he didn’t look at them. My oldest explained that his muscles were in the process of trying to relax. His breathing was beginning to cease. His eyes had already stopped focusing. He was really gone already, his spirit seemed to have already flown away.

Rusty last November

The alpacas that he had guarded kept coming in and milling around. They didn’t seem to notice that their big protector was gone, but I did. It sliced through my heart like a hot knife cuts through butter. I swiftly hustled the kids out of the barn, swiping at tears with the back of my hand, forgetting the box of tissues I carried.

“How in the world am I going to dig a hole big enough to put him in?” I fretted to myself as I hugged my babies one by one as they walked by me on their way back to the house in the sweltering heat.

On my small farm we don’t have a backhoe, though it is at the top of the my wish list for my next farm. Let’s face it. Digging a huge grave in South Alabama in the summer is just not fun. Nothing about it is fun.

Usually when animals die on our farm, the children gather flowers and place them on the grave, especially if it was a beloved animal like Rusty. Usually they make designs like crosses and things. There was something special about how this time they just threw flowers all over with abandon for Rusty! He and his partner Joy, were our first livestock guard dogs. They have been with us since the the beginning of our alpaca farm. This was a sad day for us all.

We will really miss you old boy…..

Read more about Rusty here.